[SchruteBeet]

Hello everyone,

This is going to be somewhat of a long post and I really don’t mean to sound whiny but I could really use some advice from people who are/have been in my shoes. I am working at a reputed accounting firm and am left with 2 more CPA exams. I am planning on taking AUD in Mar and (hopefully) FAR in Q2. My boyfriend goes to grad school in a different city so him and I do skype study sessions in the evenings and on weekends. By the way, a huge s/o to him for being so supportive throughout the process.

My parents live in a different country so I have some relatives around me who think they “have to take up my responsibility” and keep pressuring to go visit them (they live 2 hours away) over weekends and celebrate festivals with them. Their kids, my cousins always taunt me about how we live in the same city but I decide to grab a bite with my friends and not them, and how “it’s not too difficult to study while working, you’re making a bigger deal than this”. Anyway, I did’t heed them until new year when my boyfriend and I decided to tell our parents about our relationship so we can move it forward. But all hell broke loose after. Our families come from nations that have had tense relationships for years and we are different religions. My family threatened to disowned me, and since they live in a different country, they contacted my relatives who live around me. Now them and my cousins call me every 2 days to “check in” on me (as if that is gonna make any difference). My cousins now insist on going to visit them every weekend which is another way of emotionally blackmailing me and talking me out of this relationship. Every single time I try to be nice and meet them, their conversations drain me out so much, I can never come home and get back to studying. I feel like my relatives will never understand what it takes to study for this exam and work full time, and honestly I don’t expect them to but all this is really affecting me. I have told them to limit their calls to once every week but they leave 5-7 missed calls and several voicemails and messages on my phone every other day. I am at the point where I ignore their calls and literally have to sneak around the city and lie about traveling for work just so I can hide from them and study, and without guilt, meet my friends for a meal if I take a break. All this is really affecting my pace and motivation, and I am very afraid I won’t be able to pass the remaining two sections. I just want to be left alone and treated like an adult by family. I’d really appreciate any words of advice.

[LCMAU]

I have not been in your shoes, but unless you are financially dependent upon your family, I would just respectfully avoid them until your exams are finished. If you try to make everyone else happy, then your own happiness and studies will potentially suffer because of it.

[Tncincy]

Well it sounds like you need to to go on with your life…it is yours you know. You can set your own schedule of when to visit your parents. No reason at all to sneak around and lie, besides we are talking about adult relationships right? As far as the boyfriend situation, again, it's your life. If it is important for your parents to except your mate then you need to set a time to mend that bridge with you and your parents, not in the boyfriends presence. Most parents won't like who you pick so go on with your life. The Exam is the real issue outside of everyone else issues, do what you have to do to get this behind you. Study, study and more studying if you are going to pass. When there is drama where it is draining you, separate. Again set your own schedule with your parents and let the cousins and everyone else but out. Pass this thing so we can hear about the upcoming wedding.

It begins with a 75
Been here too long as a cheerleader....ready to pass

[Birdman]

I would get a new phone number and go no contact.

FAR- 74, 78 (10/15)
BEC- 73
REG- 65, 88 (05/16)
AUD- 7/16

[Missy]

One of the life lessons that took me the longest to learn was to listen to family members criticize me (which they shouldn't, but some always will) and hear the words but not internalize them. Keep repeating to yourself its their OPINION only, not the law, or a fact, or even the truth. To be able to listen with the same emotional detachment as you can listen to someone saying how GROSS your favorite food is without believing you should change the way you eat. It doesn't come naturally to feel that way but the twist is once you can just say mmm hmmm and move on, the less they seem to try to get under your skin.

Licensed Massachusetts Non Reporting CPA since 2012
Finance/Admin/HR Manager

[SuckItUp]

The NUMBER ONE thing in your life right now is PASSING THE CPA TEST.

You need to COMMUNICATE

with your family that you are going through a very busy/difficult time in your life. You absolutely have to block these distractions out of your life unless you are Superwoman. They should hopefully understand and rather than being a liability they can be an asset. You see, I'm all about trying to turn liabilities into assets.

My entire family is supportive and on board with the CPA, I can't imagine doing this without it. Heck my kids like to study with me. I have two young sons that want to be CFO's some day now.

Once again, communicate with all parties. Ignoring phone calls just makes the problem worse.

[Anonymous]

I think the cultural history that you're coming from will be the biggest informer of what you need to do at this point in time. In typical American culture, family bonds aren't held nearly as strongly as many other cultures, so typical American culture advice would be to tell your cousins that you love them but you're not going to be around them if they can't respect your decisions, and then stick to it. If being around them is emotionally draining for you, then just stop being around them.

Even if they're being sweet and awesome, going 2 hours away to visit every week is much more than expected or required in typical American culture. Before my family moved away, I would go have dinner with them once a week when they lived 5 minutes away; if they'd been 2 hours away, it probably would've been once a month…and that was immediate family, parents/siblings. My closest cousins live 8 hours away and I've seen them once in the last 6 years. If they really want to see you every week, and you're the one with the rough study/work schedule, then they can come see you. I have been known to remind my relatives/family at times that the road goes both ways. My mom will try to use my younger siblings to guilt-trip me for not coming to visit more often, and I'll respond “If you're ever down this way, let me know”, as a reminder that though I can drive their way, they can drive mine too (they've been a 10-hour drive away for a few years, just moved to a 5-hour drive a few months ago, and frequently went a 12-hour drive to visit my sister, but never came my way…).

However, this is all based on a more American culture view on family. If I was part of a more family-focused culture – and sometimes I wish that I was – then the ability to just say “See ya” when they're being difficult would be removed. So, I think what you need to figure out is, if you're going to:
a. Stick with a family-focused viewpoint, and only move forward with your boyfriend if your family approves of it, which it sounds like isn't going to happen, so you'd be better off to break up
b. Go with a not-so-family-focused viewpoint, make your decisions based on your own beliefs and not your family's, and tell your family – basicaly – to either shut up or not expect to hear from you

Either way, communicating is important. But, once you've communicated what's going to happen, you don't have to continue to talk to them just cause they call. If you've told them you're only talking if they don't mention your BF, then if they mention your BF, don't answer their calls, and ignore the missed calls. Make your decision and stick to it.

[SchruteBeet]

Thanks everyone for your advice. I really really appreciate it. I think you are all right in that I should find a way to be assertive and tell them this exam is very important to me and then just focus on getting it out of my way, and then tackle the boyfriend situation. @lilla I see where you're coming from but my boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years and had always known convincing our parents is never gonna be easy. I just never expected them to be coming in the way of my CPA prep. We have decided to stick together no matter what. We can only try to be respectful to our parents and explain to them our viewpoints but we think the ultimate decision lies upon us, even if that means going against our families. Their disapproval is based on bias and prejudice, not logical concerns.

[Anonymous]

@Schrute I wasn't saying you and your bf should break up. 🙂 My parents don't approve of my man, and he's the best thing that ever happened to me – going on 7 years together and wouldn't trade him for the world. But, I had to realize that they may never approve of it, and stand strong in my own beliefs and opinions. Eventually my mom stopped telling me about all her disapprovals, and decided it was easier just not to mention him; it's rare she mentions him when I talk to her (or any of my family mentions him), and that's fine, cause in my mind, they don't have to like him, they just have to accept that I've made my decision. And…their reasons were baseless, too. Whether or not you can ever convince your parents I don't know, but as long as you recognize that you may have to make a choice between your parents and your boyfriend and are willing to make that choice, you'll be fine, and eventually your parents are likely to come around to some extent.

[gigabyte2001]

I know a young woman who at one time felt it best to hide from her family. She lived in a highly populated area int he US so hiding in plain sight wasn't terribly difficult. She informed the local police that she was not missing, completely fine and wished for no contact with her family and she went to live with friends for awhile. (She is still doing just fine and has contact with her family on her terms now.)
That may or may not be possible for you or helpful. But if you choose to change your phone number & go no contact with family, notifying your local police that you are fine and wish for no contact will avoid them looking for you as a missing person.

B - 11/11/16
A - 4/16/16 87!!
R - 2/17/17
F - 7/26/16 - Waiting for 8/23

[Skynet]

I was expecting extra messy cheesy nachos and spilling my cokes on my cpa review books type of thread. Unfortunately, i have no comments : )

[Author]

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